i wrote and performed this for the Rapid Response Team which and it turns out that the first thing i ever emailed rogray was the piece so i could find out if he thought it was funny enough -- and by it i mean me.
so here it is:
My first was Bill Clinton. I was 17 when he came onto the scene and I knew he was going to be special right away. There was just . . . something about him. The way he played sax on Arsenio, answering “boxers or briefs” on MTV (boxers, of course). I mean, how could I not walk into that voting booth a year later and not pull that lever for him. For 8 years I was a satisfied woman and stood behind him. A lot of my friends were shocked that I could so easily forgive, or rather, overlook his affair with “she who shall not be named” --- but honestly, it simply meant I had a chance. The real depression hit towards the end of the affair when I realized nothing could be done; there would be no constitutional amendment allowing him to run for a third turn. I couldn’t believe it was over but I knew I had to move on.
I began a rather wrought affair with Al Gore. I wanted to love him the way I loved Bill but every relationship is different. Ours was an intellectual affair. He just seemed so. . .smart. I felt that with him in our top office I would grow simply by learning from him. So, I began to allow myself to fall in love with him . . . and just as I was about to let myself go – well, we all know what happened. And then 4 years of the most unsatisfying and deceitful relationship. I was losing hope, and fast. How was I coerced into accepting this current relationship? I know I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t even want it! I wanted Al.
I was getting desperate for some good love and then, in 2003, it began to rain men again. I was in heaven. So many seemingly delicious options. (I had secretly hoped for a strong woman – I’ve never had the option to try a woman and thought it could be awesome but alas – maybe next time.) Howard Dean, a doctor!, burst onto the scene and I thought this could be the one. The one I have been waiting for all my life. His sleeves rolled up, just young enough to keep up with me, but old enough to be mature and really understand the meaning of commitment, galvanizing voters, and all that grassroots stuff. I was getting really hot for him, but then he FREEKED out!!! He was yelling at me and I didn’t know why and I really don’t like confrontation. I knew it was over right then and there so I began to look at my other suitors.
All my friends had their opinions on who would be the best match for me. When Clarke turned up on the cover of The Advocate I was definitely intrigued. And Lieberman? As a Jew I should have been running into his arms – but I’ve never really been with a Jew – mostly Catholics – lapsed or simply not practicing . . . which led me right to John Kerry. How could I have missed it? And when I saw both him and John Edwards at a rally sporting those Live Strong bracelets I was sold. And just thinking about both of them together – at the same time!! And don’t get me started on the Heinz boys – bonjour! I never knew barn jackets could be so dead sexy. But I am not quite convinced that this relationship is going to make it. I desperately want it to – but one second he’s right up there in front of that cheater, then neck and neck, and then lagging behind. I just don’t know if he has the stamina. But I’m with him. For now.
Because I have someone waiting in the wings and I think he might be the love of my life. He’s smart, funny, young, down to earth, ambitious, and really hot. You all met him on July 26, 2004 at the Democratic National Convention. Barack Obama – I am waiting for you in heated anticipation. He was outstanding that day when he gave that keynote speech. So confident, so one with the people, so dashing. I was filled with a sensation that can only be termed true love. Your day will come, Barack Obama, and when it does I will be right there with you, hanging on your every word, watching your every move. This is a love that is an eternal love. Barack Obama – You will be mine!
alls i'm saying is president obama -- i have been with you from the start and it's nice to see you in the oval office. very, very nice.