card that lady!
well, i am. i was born on july 26th in 1978 at 8:22pm. thanks mom! (& dad)
usually i love my birthday -- rogray's birthday is on june 30th and i use that to kick start my birthday celebration and spend the next month telling everyone i know that my big day is just around the corner. the celebration culminates at some kind of soiree where all my friends and acquaintances are forced to gather around me and tell me that i am the prettiest, smartest, funniest and most talented lady they know. and that i have a really nice rack.
(p.s. there is a penis shaped swizzle stick in between my boobs in that picture. not just because i am a classy, mature lady but also because it was koogs' bachelorette party.)
this year was a very different birthday. a: rogray wasn't here. b: i didn't feel up to organizing a party so i just had some ladies over to watch so you think you can dance (best show ever) and eat dinner. aka kickied it very low key. c: this is the first birthday i wasn't insanely excited about.
but why? i do think it had something to do with being a year away from the really big 3-0. i know, i know. i'm still really young and have my whole life ahead of me and age is just a number and all that crap but i have yet to meet someone who greeted turning 30 as anything but a mild form of doom. gone are the glory days of being able to stay out until 4am drinking and hoping to get laid (not that i ever did that momgo and dadgo) only to wake up at 8am to go to work. gone are the glory days of being able to eat 4 slices of pizza drink a soda and have an ice cream without walking into a gastrointestinal nightmare. gone are the days of even thinking that the aforementioned activities are even remotely glorious. now i'm tired by 11:30pm and have to restrict my grease and, dare i say?, dairy intake. and i like being in bed a little early and eating dinner in. . .basically i've left the 20s and am headed right into my 30s.
the real reason for my ennui though is that i feel, for the first time in my life, that i am not sure what i want to do or how to get where i want to go. i've dedicated my life to theater since i was a child and now, i am not so sure that is what i am meant to do. or if it is, how to do it. when i think about what i want my life to look like in the next 20-30 years it involves sitting in a rehearsal room at some awesome college teaching the youth of america why they should blindly commit their lives to a career as a theater artist when there is no guarantee of success much less money or security and that such a commitment puts you on the expres train to a life of out of control egos, insane insecurity and frustration. it is so amazing you guys.
as i embark on my 30th year and realize that my "career" seems to be at the same place it was when i graduated from college and yet i still believe that i have something to give i realize that i feel more lost now than i ever have and yet on a personal level i feel more adult and mature than ever before. do you see how confusing? i am not yet ready to give up on the "dream" and get furious with anyone who suggests giving up and yet i am at a loss for how to get to where i want to go.
so what the hell am i supposed to do? i'm not sure but i have a feeling i'm going to be spending the next year of my life trying to figure it out.
son of a bitch.
Happy Birthday to me!
