You better have my cheese

the title for this post is from this trick daddy song. (warning: explicit lyrics -- momgo, dadgo -- i'm talking to you) it's got some pretty awesome rhymes. here's an example of a few:

J to the Dot
I make shit hot
I don't even really wanna hear what you got
Just sign me right when I come for my cheese

the point i am making is that trick daddy has somehow summed up how i feel about cheese and i am impressed that he feels so deeply about this cherished dairy product that he expresses his love for it in song. (i'm sure some of you would make the argument that he is, in fact, not talking about cheese in the most wonderful outcome of an udder but rather money. but i think trick daddy, deep down, truly loves cheese and this his ode. not benjamins. cheese.)

sweatpantsmom's daughter writes about her love of cheese brilliantly here. read it. seriously. it's hilarious. she is clearly a prodigy and will someday hold a position of great power and influence. or, at the very least, poet laureate of the united states.

i love cheese. almost all cheese. i'll admit there are some cheeses that lean to the pungent that i have a hard time with and there are some that i can only enjoy in small amounts (intense blues, sottocenere) but the majority of cheeses i love. in a deep, religious and profound way.

cow's milk? delicious.
goat's milk? would love to!
fresh mozzarella? yes.
brie? sure, why not.
manchego? i thought you'd never ask.
halloumi? let's spice things up.
drunken goat? i'm wasted just thinking about it.
parmesean? parma-yes!
spanish, french, italian, vermont, wisconsin, mexican? any and all.

if i go to some fancy pants restaurant i want dessert and the cheese plate. they bring it out with that quince paste, apricots, figs and so on. . .heaven.

so why am i writing about my unwavering commitment to cheese? for the last 2 years, for reasons i think you can decipher without me going into detail, rogray has been trying to convince me that i am lactose intolerant. oh god. whenever he says those words it's like he's calling my mother a whore while strangling our cat while telling me that bunnies are evil and barak obama is actually a neo-con. in a word, it makes me feel sick and depressed. so i look at him like he's just plunged a knife deep into my heart and is now twisting it around and as my eyes fill with tears i ask him, "why would you say something like that?"

not that i'm being dramatic.

i recently went through a period of cutting back on my cheese intake and the end result is that i fear rogray may be right. but i'll never tell him that. it's the kind of confession i'll only make in hushed tones to friends i can trust when i think rogray isn't in earshot. why am i so secretive about my fear? because it would be a break-up i don't think i could bear. what would life be like without my beloved cheese? and if i am lactose intolerant like he claims then why do i have no problem with yogurt?

and when he reads this and asks me about it i'll convince him that he must be crazy because i am NOT lactose intolerant and that i am worried about him and maybe he should see some kind of doctor if he is dreaming up stuff he saw on the internet.